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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22758247">the world was turning (all inside my mind)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterparkr/pseuds/peterparkr'>peterparkr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Febuwhump 2020 [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Whump, but post-blip, febuwhump 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:28:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22758247</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterparkr/pseuds/peterparkr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter leans back until he’s lying flat on the roof, arms crossed behind his head. “Mr. Stark, I think I’m a little disillusioned with the world.”</p><p>Tony runs a hand through his hair. “Just a little?”</p><p> </p><p>Febuwhump Day 8: Dark State of Mind</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Febuwhump 2020 [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>146</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the world was turning (all inside my mind)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s not as hard to find Peter as Tony feared it would be.</p><p>He’s on the roof of one of his campus buildings, not in a suit or even a jacket, just a hoodie and a pair of jeans. Tony lands next to him, summons the nanotech back into its compartment. He starts shivering almost immediately, crossing his arm over his stomach.</p><p>“It’s a little chilly, kiddo, want to get inside?”</p><p>Peter doesn’t look up, eyes fixed on something—or maybe nothing at all—in the skyline. “I like it up here.”</p><p>Tony sighs and sits next to him. Peter doesn’t appear to notice the cold—he isn’t making any effort to shield himself from it. The only indication that his body must feel something is the pattern of goosebumps speckling his neck.</p><p>“May said you haven’t answered her calls in a week. I had to talk her down from driving up here herself.” It’s a statement, not an accusation. Tony keeps repeating that in his head, hoping that his voice will carry out the same message. The last thing he needs is for Peter to get defensive. </p><p>It rouses him a little. He glances over at Tony, eyebrows raised slightly. “It’s been a week? Shit.”</p><p>“Yeah—shit sounds about right,” Tony says. “What’s going on?”</p><p>He turns away, back to the fixed point. “Nothing, really.”</p><p>“How are classes?”</p><p>His eyes flick back to Tony and then roll. “I’m going to them, if that’s what you're asking.”</p><p>“Well, that’s good.” Tony’s choosing to ignore the eye roll and the attitude, for now. “But I still want to know how they are.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>“You’re talkative today.”</p><p>Another eye roll. Tony taps his fingers against the surface of the roof, contemplating whether it's worth it to be freezing up here to try to talk to a kid who clearly wants nothing to do with him right now.</p><p>It is. With Peter it always is. The kid’s family now. You do stupid things like freeze your ass off to make sure your family’s alright.</p><p>“What are you doing up here, then?”</p><p>Peter shifts a little so that the bottom half of his legs hang fully over the edge of the roof. Tony knows the kid’s sticky but his heart starts stuttering around anyway. Maybe that’s Peter’s move—give Tony a heart attack so that he’ll leave him alone.</p><p>The legs start swinging back and forth. “Just thinking.”</p><p>“Ah. First time’s always tricky.” </p><p>Tony pairs the words with a good-natured grin. Peter’s responding glare doesn’t seem to have the same intention. Tony chooses to interpret it as fond anyway.</p><p>“Well, don’t leave me on the edge of my seat—or building, rather, edge of the building—what are we thinking about, Spidey?”</p><p>Peter takes a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds before letting it back out. “Nothing—everything.”</p><p>“Opposites.”</p><p>Peter tilts his head, a tentative, sly smile brightening his face for an instant. If Tony had blinked at the wrong time he would have missed it. “Are they though?”</p><p>“Philosophical,” Tony comments. “You’re becoming quite the scholar. Can I get any of the specifics of this everything—or nothing?”</p><p>“I don’t know, just—” Peter cuts himself off with a sigh.</p><p>Tony hesitates, trying to figure out whether to press or wait. It’s one of the hardest balances to reach in his opinion, when to urge Peter to continue and when to let him make his own choice. It gets harder the older he gets.</p><p>“I used to want to, like, help people, you know? I wanted to change the world or something.” Peter shakes his head and laughs dryly. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“So, this is about Spider-Man? Take some—“</p><p>“It’s not just Spider-man,” He gestures at the school buildings around them. “It’s this too. Is it even worth it? I don’t belong here. I’m just a kid from Queens. You’re the only reason I got in.”</p><p>Tony blinks a few times. “Hold up. I’m not—you got in on your own merit.”</p><p>“I got in with a recommendation letter from Tony Stark and a hefty scholarship from a web design contest that I didn’t participate in. Don’t even try to say that wasn’t you—I’m not an idiot.”</p><p>“The scholarship had no impact on whether you got in or not.”</p><p>“But the letter did! A recommendation from MIT’s most esteemed alum—the literal savior of the universe—carries a lot of weight, Mr. Stark.”</p><p>“And I wouldn’t have written it if I didn’t think you deserved it! Every word in the letter was true.”</p><p>Peter sighs and buries his head in his hands. He mumbles something into them that Tony doesn’t quite catch.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>Peter moves his hands to his chin and slumps forward. “I don’t know—it’s just—everyone here has already done <em> something </em>. They’ve published research or they’ve started volunteer organizations or—“</p><p>“Peter. You’re literally Spider-Man.”</p><p>“That’s different!”</p><p>Tony agrees with that, although not in the same sense. It makes Peter even more impressive—keeping up his grades and extracurriculars while fighting anything from local robberies to alien invasions on the side.</p><p>“And the thing that gets me the most is that maybe none of it really matters anyway?”</p><p>Tony watches the side of Peter’s face carefully, hoping that he’ll continue to elaborate without coaxing.</p><p>“Since the blip—when I came back, everything felt wrong. Midtown High wasn’t the same anymore. May and I didn't have an apartment. The whole city was a mess. I thought coming here would make it all better, because I didn’t know it before everything happened. But I still feel—is the whole world different now? Maybe it’s just me.”</p><p>Tony squints at him. “I mean, yes. Losing half the population for five years does have a few side-effects.”</p><p>"I know, I know. But it's not just that." Peter shrugs. “Everything just seems like too much. And some things are so <em> bad </em>and that used to inspire me to make it better—through Spider-Man or like—“ He gestures at the campus again. “Engineering a cure for some type of cancer, but the more I learn, the more I see how impractical that all is. I’m never going to be able to help everyone.”</p><p>There’s a sense of defeat behind the words that is so far from anything Tony associates with Peter. He’s always the one who finds the bright spot—who sees the impossible problem and proposes that it’s not so daunting after all. It hurts to see that piece missing. Tony never wanted reality to beat that out of him, but he supposes the kid has been through and seen more than anyone should have to.</p><p>Peter leans back until he’s lying flat on the roof, arms crossed behind his head. “Mr. Stark, I think I’m a little disillusioned with the world.”</p><p>Tony runs a hand through his hair. “Just a little?”</p><p>“And the worst part is—I know I should be trying harder and doing more, but—” Peter turns to him with giant eyes. “I just—I used to want to change the world and now I just want to be happy. Is that selfish?”</p><p>Tony pushes air out his mouth slowly, watching the misty breath billow out and then dissipate into the night. “I don’t think so, Pete.”</p><p>Peter scoffs and gestures to the place where Tony’s right arm used to be. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this. You almost killed yourself to save the universe.”</p><p>“If you’re trying to say that was completely selfless—it wasn’t. If I had to choose between being the one gone or the only one left. It’s the one gone every time.”</p><p>“Because you’re a selfless person!”</p><p>“That’s not—no—” Tony clenches his jaw. “I just couldn’t lose, not again. I was scared.”</p><p>Peter’s brow furrows and he looks down at his hands. “But, when you’re scared, you save the world. When I’m scared—I sit on a roof.” </p><p>“You could be doing a whole lot worse than sitting on a roof. I did when I was your age.”</p><p>Peter shakes his head. “I have a responsibility.”</p><p>“You’re nineteen. You were worried about all this way too young—I’ll take partial credit for that. You deserve to be a kid, to make stupid reckless decisions that don’t have the fate of the world resting on them.  You don’t have to be the one to figure out how to fix everything.”</p><p>“But, if everyone has that mentality, then the world never gets fixed.”</p><p>“It’ll never be fixed,” Tony snaps, harsher than he means to. “Nobody can <em> fix </em> the world, Pete. It’s too much for anyone to handle. We just take a little slice and do what we can with it. And part of that is creating a life that you like living. You deserve to be happy.”</p><p>“I don’t know." Peter crosses his arms. "What have I done to deserve it versus anyone else?"</p><p>“'What have you done to deserve it?' Are you experiencing some kind of amnesia? Do you realize how many people you've saved?" Peter purses his lips in disbelief and Tony shakes his head. "But, that doesn't even matter because there’s no precursor to it. You don’t have a debt to pay off before you’re worthy. You deserve it because you’re here, and you have good intentions and for all we know, this time is all we've got. Best to make the most of it.”</p><p>It’s something that Tony still struggles with, even as a mostly-retired superhero, so the whole lecture is a bit hypocritical. He’s always felt like he has to make up for the mistakes he made when he was younger. He’s just now starting to realize that maybe life isn’t a running tally of his worst decisions that he constantly has to try to wipe clean by flying around in a tin can.</p><p>“I didn’t patrol last weekend. I was studying for a test,” Peter whispers. “Someone got hurt—bad. I think she’s still in the hospital.”</p><p>Tony squeezes his eyes shut. He has enough experience with Peter to know how hard he takes situations like that. There's nothing Tony can say to convince him to forgive himself. </p><p>“But do you know what the real kicker is,” Peter continues, scuffing his shoe along the edge of the building. “I still failed the test.”</p><p>His lower lip starts to tremble slightly. He bites it and turns his face away from Tony.</p><p>Tony stares at the back of his head for a minute, reeling a little from the quick topic changes.</p><p>“It’s just one test, kid.”</p><p>“I don’t think I’m cut out for this,” Peter blurts out. “I can’t tell May that. I don’t want to disappoint her. She’ll be so upset—”</p><p>Tony frowns. “I don’t think she’ll care about the test. She just wants to talk to you.”</p><p>“No, I know that. I mean—she’ll be upset that I don’t—after all the work and money. And you, too! You got me in here and are paying for pretty much everything, but I—" Peter glances at Tony before averting his eyes again. "I kind of hate it here.”</p><p>“Oh,” Tony says, dumbfounded.</p><p>Every time he’s talked to Peter since he got to MIT, he’s sounded ecstatic about the programs they offered, the classes he’s taking. Maybe it was all just a show, out of some misguided notion that he would let Tony down if he didn’t love the college.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Peter says. “I don’t want to seem ungrateful—”</p><p>“No, no. That’s not—you know there’s nothing you could do to disappoint me, right? Or your aunt, I think she’d agree with that.”</p><p>Peter flings an arm over his face and hums noncommittally. Tony can practically feel his mind racing.</p><p>“You think too much,” Tony says. “You’ve got plenty of time to figure stuff out. Stop trying to do it all at once.”</p><p>Peter makes another indecipherable noise.</p><p>“If you want to leave the school, no one’s going to hold that against you. I would suggest waiting until the end of the semester, maybe think the decision over a bit. Not to mention it will be easier to transfer credits then, but whatever you want to do.”</p><p>Peter sits up and narrows his eyes at Tony. “Mr. Stark, that’s the entire problem. I don’t know what I should do. About anything—ever. Things keeps changing so fast and I can't keep up with any of it.”</p><p>“Which is exactly why you need to stop worrying about everything—and nothing," Tony adds with nudge to Peter's shoulder. "It will all work out the way it’s supposed to.”</p><p>Peter opens his mouth, a skeptical frown creasing his forehead. Tony holds up a hand to stop him from saying anything. “<em>And </em> if it doesn’t, I’m always one suit-flight away—for any crime-fighting, school-related, or existential dilemmas.”</p><p>“Aren’t you supposed to be retired?”</p><p>“Gives me more time to help tackle your problems.” </p><p>“Mr. Stark, you don’t have to—”</p><p>“I know.” He hopes that the implicit ‘but I want to’ gets across.</p><p>It must, because Peter ducks his head and whispers a small, “thank you.”</p><p>Tony balls his hand up in his shirt sleeve. His fingers are starting to go numb. “Being retired also gives me more time to eat, so if we're about ready to wrap up this little rooftop crisis, there’s an Insomnia Cookies on Harvard’s campus. I could use a warm midnight snack.”</p><p>“You hate Harvard,” Peter points out.</p><p>“Obviously.” Tony stands. “But I don’t hate cookies.”</p><p>He’s relieved to watch a shy grin rise slowly on Peter’s face. “Can we get a whole cookie cake?”</p><p>“You’ll have to explain the transaction to Pepper. She’s the bread-winner—the cookie cake-winner?”</p><p>Peter rolls his eyes. This time it is more fond than moody. He jumps onto the back of Tony’s suit and they take off into the sky.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just to be 100% clear, I think so many of Tony's actions are selfless, but Tony wouldn't because he's him lol.</p><p>My <a href="https://peterparkrr.tumblr.com">tumblr!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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